I miss you.
I do not know any other words to make this sentence more beautiful or soulful because these three words say it all. I miss you. Each day, every moment. You left me in a lurch. A part of me still wonders how life would have been if you were still here.
If I could, I would bring you back. And make everything alright. You were not supposed to leave. You were supposed to be here and see me grow up. You were supposed to see me get married, to give me away at my marriage. But you left and now I am all alone and I have no idea what to do. I don’t even know where to start.
You were my pillar. And now I am shaky, I have no support. I am shaky. But I do not want you to worry. You had no choice. You had to leave and I had to be left here. But that doesn’t make any of this fair. It was horribly wrong. No kid should have to watch their father die. No father should have to worry about his child’s future and education on their death bed. But that is what happened. And I live with the memory of that each day.
I was told that I will get used to it. One day it will hurt less. But it doesn’t. My heart still aches when I think of the what ifs. My soul still crumbles when I realize that I will never be able to see you, hear you or hug you again. I haven’t got used to it and I don’t think I ever will.
It has been five years. And I am afraid that I am starting to forget you. I am forgetting the details. I am afraid that one day I will forget you. And I don’t ever want to. I want to hold on to the smallest memories I have of you. For that is all I have left of you. Memories. I am holding on because I am your daughter. You taught me to face everything with strength. It will hurt like hell, but I will power through. And maybe one day I will be mature enough to see the reason behind all this suffering we were put through. I hope you are holding on too.